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Monday, October 26th, 2009
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9:31 am - Because I'm too irritated to retell the whole story:
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I'd done a little tidying up and idly RP before I actually went to bed. It was late, but not -too- horribly late.
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<olo|zzz>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] I'd done a little tidying up and idly RP before I actually went to bed. It was late, but not -too- horribly late. <Olo|Zzz> I lay down. <Olo|Zzz> What feels like 15 minutes later I wake up. Really strange dream. This strangeness punctuated by the fact that I have no idea what the dream was. Just woke up with a WTF feeling. <Olo|Zzz> At another indeterminate time either one of the dogs or my brother fell down the stairs. Hopefully the latter. Too irritated to get up and look. <Olo|Zzz> 7:30 am: Get woken up to someone reminding me that I promised to cook early today. I'm 98% sure I didn't promise anything of the sort, but it's my mother, so I can't exactly argue. That's like trying to beat a bull in a headbutting contest. <Olo|Zzz> The only upside is that my white chicken korma turned out absolutely awesomely. And now, here I am. |
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| Monday, April 13th, 2009
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4:35 pm
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Did my first workout in forever today. Cardio on the stairs until I thought I was seeing things, weights for the arms/upper body, and crunches galore. I feel like I might die, but I feel good about me. :)
(I also painted a ceiling and cooked dinner. Go me!)
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| Sunday, April 12th, 2009
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7:15 pm
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My previous status message on Facebook stated:
"James Allinson is working on the house some more, and since he's heard nothing from FA, he's starting the job hunt back up in earnest again tomorrow.... and maybe even working out, too. Time to get that fat ass on the treadmill! :D"
And you know what? I'm really good at the "I'll do it tomorrow." I decided I would fail at procrastination today.
I painted the a ceiling today.
I decided that I don't necessarily want the whole world to see my round body walking down the street with sweat-stuck clothing. At least not yet. I decided that I was going to make use of the treadmill we own. It was buried under an entire basement of miscellaneous junk, as anyone in my family (including Ashley) can tell you. Instead of putting -that- off until tomorrow, I took it upon myself to clean out the rest of the basement. That was a good hour and a half of lifting and going up and down stairs. Double win: Got the heartrate up a bit and got something accomplished at the same time. The only thing I have left to do is clean it off and see if it still works. If it doesn't... well, there's the whole out outside I have to walk in. There's also a crossbow/bowflex thing down there. I might actually be able to get a full workout. Ashley might not recognize me when she sees me in a couple months. :D
I've got job feelers out all over the place, I've got applications in, I'm doing everything I can to get a job. I think I'm gonna put school off until September (which might be a moot point, because the FA people are dragging their feet again). I'm gonna find -anything- between now and then. I'm not beyond going back to telemarketing. They are always hiring. I'll be working for evil, but I'm willing to compromise a few morals for a paycheck. I'm going to re-apply for FA tomorrow, though for September. There's no way in hell they can drag their feet THAT much...
A lot of this is because I was feeling a little self-conscious earlier today. You know what? I'm done moping about that. I'm going to make a difference in my own life for me. That and I want to be around to see my girlfriend for a long, long time. :)
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| Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
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12:00 am - Writer's Block: The Kids' Section
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I had lots of favorite movies when I was younger. The Black Hole (mentioned in a previous Writer's Block), The Last Starfighter and Xanadu among them. I've seen them all again recently. The physics in The Black Hole is laughable now, but it's still a good movie. The Last Starfighter was a little corny, but not bad.
Xanadu, though. I watched that with Ashley, who had never seen it before. It was horrible. I mean, I still like it, but I remembered it as so much more awesome than it was. And she laughed. Both at it and at me, which was kinda funny. It was just bad. Everything from the amazing package on one of the dancers in the cross-generational music scene to the excessive rollerskating. Bad.
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| Saturday, February 21st, 2009
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7:48 am
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Four years.
I've tried to type out something capture the essence, the emotion of those years - five attempts now - but nothing I can put into words does it justice. Everything I type, no matter how heartfelt or possibly even eloquent can be anything but a pale shadow in comparison to all the love and all of the memories. I could never put into words how I feel about her, nothing is ever good enough, no words equal to the task of conveying how I -really- feel. So, on this very important day, I think I will keep it simple.
I love you, Ashley.
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| Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
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6:46 pm - Bang!
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I went to the pistol range at the local sports shop today. Lots of fun was had. Shot all of the soon-to-be additions to our little collection. A .22 semi, a .45 semi and a .357 revolver.
The .22 is a neat little gun, but then most .22s are.
The .45 is a beast, and the sights are off, but it was fun to shoot.
The .357 with .38 rounds was awesome. The action on the gun is so smooth.
The first shot from the .357 with .357 rounds = OMGWTFRECOIL. After that, it's not bad at all, but that initial shot was definitely an eye-opener.
I found out that I'm a pretty good shot. No expert marksman, but I'm at least average. It's not bad for not having fired any weapons in the last decade :D
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| Monday, February 2nd, 2009
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12:33 pm
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| Monday, January 26th, 2009
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8:49 am
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Even with last night's realizations, I'm starting to get worried. I've put in a lot of applications, but what if I don't get hired? What am I supposed to do between now and June, when I hope to go back to college? As stupid as this sounds, if I do get a decent job, I'd probably be willing to put college off for another semester or two until I'm more on my feet financially. I'm trying not to add this to all my emotional confusion, but it seems I've gone from being a calm, rational person (1 month ago) to an emotional, panicky one (now). I'm also rambling because I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night, though I could have gotten more if I was smart enough to read...
As some of you know, I've been helping care for my mentally and physically handicapped brother. Once you've changed a 20 year-old's diapers, you become impervious to certain things. Anyhow, I got him cleaned and changed this morning, dressed and in his chair, and I push him out on to the porch and we wait. And wait. And wait. And guess what? It was a very random teacher in-service day today. Oops. I'm going to spend at least few hours calling around about jobs, then maybe either ingest massive amounts of caffeine or take a nap.
The job market here is absolutely horrible, though I suppose it is everywhere at the moment. That is not helping my outlook, though I've got job feelers out in every direction, not just online and physical application and resume deals. I've got family and friends talking amongst themselves about it. I'm going to use every contact and resource I can find.
At some point I need to call and harass the college I plan on attending about financial aid paperwork. The last time I tried this, I got snowed under. Hopefully I'll manage to do better this time. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, but some of those forms made me get cross-eyed. Last time I also ran out of time. I'd send off the paperwork and wait. They'd send me back a notice of things I needed to re-submit. This went back and forth for a long time. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am and I kept screwing it up, but it all seemed rather ridiculous.
Anyhow, I'm rambling and I need to get myself moving.
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3:11 am
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Ok, after having filled out more applications than I can count and doing that random Writer's Block deal, I think I can finally get my brain to slow down. Maybe I'll get some sleep, too. The mind has been going a mile a minute since before the first post of the night. Seeing the wrong in myself hurts, but it is something I had to see, and I am going to be better for it.
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2:52 am - Writer's Block: Robotic
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I usually don't post these "Writer's Block" questions, but I caught this one in passing and had an immediate answer to it.
Without a doubt, it's V.I.N.CENT from Disney's The Black Hole. Dry wit is always good when it comes in robotic form. :D
Holland: It's only dinner.
V.I.N.CENT: Said the spider to the fly.
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1:47 am - An epiphany.
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I have come to an odd epiphany tonight. I have been through a lot of emotional trauma and spent a long time examining my own state of being. The results are both saddening and hopeful. I have seen how stagnant my life has been and how I have dragged others into that stagnation with me. My life has not moved forward, not progressed as it should. Complacency has mired me into my current state. All the things that people have said about me, the negatives, the attacks, the beratings, they weren't without merit. You might say that faults have been laid bare in front of me and I can finally see them. I can accept the fault without becoming defensive or angry. I know what I have to fix and I know how to begin trying. There are many people that I owe apologies to, now that pride and blindness have been removed. All of those that I have been in relationships with, I owe them all apologies, no matter how much bad history there is between us. I was a sinkhole, and people got caught in it. Until I make things right with myself FOR MYSELF, I am still that sinkhole. I owe the largest apology to Ashley. I dragged you down with me. I know why you left. You were right to. I owe this epiphany to you more than anyone else. You opened my eyes to all that was wrong with me and are helping me pull free of this stagnation. I am only sorry that it took me losing you to make me see. I am sorry for all the hurt and frustration I caused and one day I will find a way to make up for it. I hope that you find someone deserving of your radiance and your beauty. Someone who can truly make you happy, because that is what you deserve. I will always be your friend, always, and I will always owe you dearly for having opened my eyes. Maybe somewhere down the road we will find ourselves in each others' company, but if we don't, I wish you all the happiness in the world.
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2009
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12:52 am - Better.
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It's amazing how much you can get sorted out with just talking. We talked tonight for an accumulated 2+ hours. We got stuff sorted out. We laughed and talked and realized how similar we both felt in that neither one of us really knows how they feel or what they want. For now, we are calling this Over. We both need some closure until we can figure out for ourselves what's in our hearts. She's my friend. She always will be. There will always be a place in my heart for her, even if it's as a friend and not something more. I finally feel like I can breathe again. Like I might actually get a good night's sleep tonight. It still hurts, but it no longer feels like that hurt is going to last forever. We have a lot of history and a lot of memories, her and I, and I cherish every one of them. It's not something you can turn off overnight and it's not something either of us wants to. Maybe one day we will make it work, but we aren't banking on that. It will only hurt us both over time and drive us apart. I don't want that. I can't say that everything will be fine tomorrow, but tonight I am happy.
So here's to you, my new old friend. :)
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| Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
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10:26 am
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Been going through some crazy ups and downs. I can't seem to get my head on straight. I can't seem to think. All I can do is feel, and the feelings.
Sometimes I feel fine
Hopeful
Like I'm going to be ok
Sometimes I feel like I'm a fool
A write off
Unimportant
An inconvenience
Forgotten
Alone
I know it seems kinda emo, but that's where I am. I don't know how else to express it. Up until today, I was dealing with all of those negative feelings. Hell, even last night I felt like I was going to be alright. Today, I'm not so sure. I know it will pass. I will get better. I have to. Tomorrow will be better. The feelings don't make sense, at least according to the logical side of my brain. It says I should still hurt, but I should understand that I'm not held in the same regard I once was. That everything that happens after she left is AFTER. That it should still hurt, but it should hurt less as time passes. That I have no call to be upset about anything after. I KNOW this, but it's not helping. I'm hoping that putting it all down in text will help me get my head around it all. Maybe I'm finally paying off karma. Maybe this is what I had coming to me. Maybe I'm just in a rough spot right now and I'm just seeing the worst. I wish I was strong enough to try and move on like she has, or to even act like I have. Right now, I can't. I wish I could treat the past and talking about it like a triviality, like it was easy. I wish it was easy, I'd be moving on now. It's stupid, but there are times when I walk in here and for a moment, just a moment, I expect her to be here, to see her sitting where she always did, to smile when she saw me. I want to let go, and at the same time, I don't want to let it go. I KNOW it's over. I know that even if she ever wanted to be with me again, I should say no. That's my head, my heart is saying something different. It's holding on to every scrap of pain and hope. It feels like the best part of me left a couple weeks ago. Part of it still wants it back. To say to hell with logic and caution and take the chance should it ever come back. I know she doesn't want it. She shouldn't want it. She left for a reason, and I was that reason. She stopped loving me. I can't dictate what her heart feels the same way she can't do that to mine. I should accept this. I'm trying to.
I think I'm going to go lay down, try and sort out my heart.
Tomorrow will be better.
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| Thursday, January 1st, 2009
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1:09 am
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Of all my male siblings, I never thought I'd have to go and remove Simon from someone's house because he was drunk and disorderly on New Years Eve. I never thought he's be an angry, obnoxious drunk. I never thought I'd have to drag him down from someone's second story apartment in the sub-freezing air. I'm angry, frustrated and disappointed. Of all of us, he was supposed to be the good one.
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
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2:16 am
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I would like to apologize to all the people that I have worried and/or annoyed with all the slightly emo posts that have gone up and been deleted. I've been going through somewhat of an emotional ordeal recently and my moods have been swinging rather severely, both up and down. They are still a little wobbly, but the extremes have been canceled out more or less.
So, to sum it up: Everything's not exactly fine, but neither is the world coming to a rather abrupt end.
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| Monday, December 15th, 2008
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5:21 am
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I think I made a breakthrough of sorts tonight. I'm a very 'emotionally moderated' person. I usually don't let my moods swing too far one way or the other. I'm happy, but I don't get giddy. I get sad, but I don't get despondent.
The last week has seen me all over the board, to all of the extremes. Tonight, for example, I laughed so hard and for so long that I was wheezing and gasping for breath - that hasn't happened in what seems like months and months. Days before that, I broke down and actually cried. I haven't cried in years.
And you know what? After it all, I feel -good-. I feel I can appreciate everything so much more than I could before this week. Most of all, I appreciate Ashley, more now than ever before. She is my heart, my laughter. She's the reason I can feel. I love her so much more than simple text could ever possibly hope to convey. Without her, I am incomplete. I miss her the moment she is gone and long for her every instant until she returns. Even now, this is still new to me. The fire hasn't died out. If anything it's burning a lot hotter than it was.
Another change has happened, though I can't really tell you when. At some point during our relationship, I stopped thinking of things in units of "I". It's "Us." She is an integral part of my existence. Its not "my girlfriend and I", it's just "us" - and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love you, Ashley. You are everything to me and there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for you.
current mood:  happy
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| Friday, May 9th, 2008
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5:18 pm
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The songs that weren't guessed from the previous post:
2. Sleep... oh, sleep for me... then rest your soul just like the roses at your feet... - "13 Angels" - Corrosion of Conformity
3. Hey you, big star. Tell me, when it's over. - "My Own Summer (Shove It)" - Deftones
5. How can I believe this miracle, Where the wind blows dry. Thru the force of a man, undenied by his eye. - "Pedestal" - Portishead
6. Didn't you hurt yourself? Couldn't you wash the blood away? Didn't you love yourself? - "Damaged" - Sevendust
9. Started from the end, the worst is the best thing that I ever knew. Moses is my friend, since I'm playing second fiddle in duet, I'm paying what I am regretting. - "Karma" - Diffuser
10. Let him come into the city, let him find his lucky penny, let him put it in his pocket and shake it all around. "The Distance" - Live
11. I see him turn away, although my eyes are shut with emptiness... and again the rain falls down, together with me. - "In Motion #2" - The Gathering
12. Suicide on the horizon, I count these miseries to ten. Contempt is a lifestyle. - "Better Days" - God Forbid
20. So here we are tonight. You and me together. And the storm outside, and the fire's bright. - "Say Goodbye" - Dave Matthews Band
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
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11:28 am - Music thing.
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Stolen from The Woman, even if she breaks the rules! :D
Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25ish songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own.
( Lyrics! )
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| Thursday, March 13th, 2008
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4:28 am
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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7:53 pm
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Updates: Still alive, still happy :D
Quiz thing because it's hilarious.
James Robert Allinson's Aliases
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Your movie star name: Chips Fred
Your fashion designer name is James Newmarket
Your socialite name is Buff Philly
Your fly girl / guy name is J All
Your detective name is Cat Glassboro
Your barfly name is Crackers Kamikaze
Your soap opera name is Robert Liberty
Your rock star name is Chocolate Bullet
Your Star Wars name is Jamhou Allash
Your punk rock band name is The Apathetic Death Star
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